Letter to Liam

Happy New Year guys!!!!
Life has been good and I'm thankful to God for this year and very expectant...

Last year, I think I might have fallen in love...not too sure.
I had this friend who I talked for hours with on the phone, the one that sent me those flowers. Remember? yeah.
We talked about and shared our lives, well more of his if I am to be totally honest. Our friendship fizzled off and only last year did I learn what the facebook relationship status "it's complicated" means. :D Ah well, you live and you learn.

Here is a letter I wrote to work out my feelings during our complicated relationship. He he! I've been told letter writing is therapeutic...of course, I never sent it.



10.16.11

Dear Liam,

I am writing this letter because I need to unburden my heart. You are my friend, whom I like. I think you’re incredibly honest, intelligent even though you deny it all the time.
Most days I think of you, fondly, I wake up and you’re on my mind. I want to talk to you, hear you go on about medicine, your long hours, your attendings, your family, your life.
I want to hug you and share my first kiss with you. Most days I think I want to be Mrs. Neelam. Most days you confuse the heck out of me. You send me tulips for valentines, a teddy bear from your trip to Europe, a book just because…
I fall in love with you, I flirt with you, and we’re still friends. Of course I won’t say I have a crush on you, but can’t you tell? Why can’t you see it?
You say you think you’ll “stumble” into your next relationship, you don’t know that you’re ready for one. I don’t know that I’m ready for a relationship either and I understand where you are coming from. You say your relationship patterns have been like the plot of something borrowed, and it disturbs me but I get that too.
Most days I think I love you, most days I want to hug you, most days I want to see your face as you clear your throat at the absurd things and requests I say and make. But you’re a phone guy, you don’t do video chat…or so you think.
You’re about four hours away by plane and I haven’t seen you since 2006.
Someday you say, I don’t know when someday is. I don’t know that you know either.

I do know what my heart feels. I do know that I want to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I do know that I want to be “found”. I know I want to be held, loved, kissed, and treasured.
I am uncomfortable with the uncertainties that bind our relationship but at the same time I feel like time may bring enlightenment. My friends and family ask what we are doing. I say we are friends. Friends who occasionally flirt, friends who send flowers…
So maybe you’re just a nice guy, who sends his close friends flowers, or maybe you’re inadvertently flirting out of habit, I don’t know.
I probably shouldn’t make excuses for you, I should probably clarify, ask you why?
But why not? Because my heart is becoming an interwoven braid, every strand over another woven in confusion.
The only thing I am certain of is this, you are my friend.
And I may love you.
And I pray that God’s will be done.
Love, Adia.


P.S. - His name is obviously not Liam Neelam, but I like how it twists your tongue. :D